


Life is A Lot Like Rainbow Road

by intothemidnightblue



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, I think?, I wrote this a while ago, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, but its definitely happening cause like, i literally have no clue what to tag this because i havent read it recently, if not then just assume its probably out of scene, it's connor we're talking about here, just one i think, mostly canon compliant though, slur, sorry i never posted it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-10 12:48:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12912249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intothemidnightblue/pseuds/intothemidnightblue
Summary: it's 3am let me live with this title pleaseStuck a lot to the musical, while gently edging it away from Connor's death. i'm really tired, ill fix this all in the morning but if you like Alive Connor and happy open endings you'll like this.





	Life is A Lot Like Rainbow Road

**Author's Note:**

> im not kidding when i stay it sticks pretty damn closely to the musical in the first bit. This was originally going to be longer. If people like it, I might continue it, but I rather like the way it ended... I think. it's been a while since i've read it, lol.  
> Original note, also probably written at buttfuck o'clock:  
> BECAUSE IM REALLY SAD OKAY  
> I DO BETTER WITH GAY FEELS THAN DEAD FEELS  
> Mmm ya boi ain't transcribing it Don't Make Me. Sh I'm doing this My Way I Hope You Like It.  
> Also yes many unreliable narrators Love You.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Today is going to be an amazing day and here’s why because today all you have to do is just be yourself but also confident, that’s important, like easy to talk to, approachable, but mostly be yourself, like that’s #1, be yourself. Just be true to yourself.  
Also though don’t worry about whether your hands are going to get sweaty for no reason. You can’t make it stop no matter what you do because there not gonna get sweaty. So I don’t even know why your bringing it up because it’s not going to happen because all you have to do is be yourself.

I’m not even gonna worry about it because seriously it’s not gonna be like that time where you had the perfect chance to introduce yourself to Zoe Murphy after the jazz band concert last year and you waited afterwards just to talk to her and tell her how good she was and you were gonna pretend to be super casual like you didn’t even know her name and she would introduce herself and you would like “I’m sorry I didn’t hear you, Chloe, you said your name was Chloe?” And then she would be like “No it’s Zoe.” And you would be like “Well so you see I thought you said Chloe because I’m just very busy with other stuff right now.” But you didn’t even end up saying anything to her because you were scared and your hands were sweaty, which they weren’t that sweaty but you started worrying they were sweaty which made them sweaty so you put them under the hand dryer in the bathroom so they weren’t sweaty they were just very warm now as well.

 

"This is the worst thing I've ever wrote, and writing is literally the only thing going for me," Evan groaned, clicking his laptop shut sharply and falling back on his bed. "Evan! How are you doing darling, it's your first day of school! Do you need a refill on meds-" Evan's mom, Heidi, burst in. "No, stop put that down its fine. I'm going, aren't you leaving too?" Evan held a bitter tone that was not to his mother, who visibly shrunk back. "Yeah, I just wanted to check on you before you go? Oh and to tell you that you have a therapist appointment this week." "I thought that was next week." "Yeah well I thought you could use something sooner, I hope you have a good day at school Evan! I have a feeling this year is going to be a good one!" Her peppy tone was grating in the early morning. "Cool, kay, see you tomorrow," Evan got up to push his stuff into his book bag he had since the first grade.

"Have you been writing those letters to yourself? 'Dear Evan Hansen, this is gonna be a good day and here's why...'" Heidi asked.

"I started one." Evan just wanted to get out of the house before she continued her attempt at conversation.

"Those letters are important, honey. They're gonna help you build your confidence."

"I guess."

"Can we try to have an optimistic outlook, huh? Can we buck up just enough to see the world won't fall apart? Maybe this year, we decide we're not giving up before we've tried this year, we make a new start!" She clapped her hands together in delight. Evan deflated, knowing he wasn't the kind of person to let her worry about things out of her control, "sure mom, I'll do that." "Hey! I know! You can go around today and ask the other kids to sign your cast. How 'bout that?"

"Perfect."

"I'm proud of you already."

"Oh, good..."

 

"Another stellar conversation for the scrapbook, another stumble as I'm reaching for the right thing to say. I'm kinda coming up empty, can't find my way to you" Heidi lamented as Evan left the room. Her singsong voice carrying just enough to embarrass Evan on his way out. He practically ran to the bus stop to avoid hearing any more of it.

"Does anybody have a map? Anybody maybe happen to know how the hell to do this? I don't know if you can tell, but this is me just pretending to know..." she faded off, humming the tune she made up on the spot. It was a step away from her usual music choice, and she had no idea where she heard it, but it fit with what she was feeling and no one was going to stop her lamenting her sorrows in an empty house.

 

_So where's the map?_

_I need a clue_

_'Cause the scary truth is_

_I'm flying blind_

_And I'm making this up as I go_

 

 

Connor pulled on his jacket, sleeves catching painfully on memories he would not remember.

"It's your senior year, Connor. You are not missing the first day." Cynthia called to him. Connor bit back a retort that would only prolong his stay in this hellhole house. He was about to leave when he realize he wasn't imagining the blood running down his arms. "Shit, shit, shit, of course now this would happen..." he whispered to himself, hurriedly saving his jacket and cleaning his mess with whatever crap he had laying around. " _Connor_!" "I already said I'd go tomorrow!" Connor called down with his best "just smoked the biiiiggest blunt" voice as he hurriedly rushed his jacket on and grabbed his backpack. He quietly grabbed a meager breakfast before his father started up with his disapproving morning tones, "He doesn't listen. Look at him, he's probably high."

"He's definitely high." Zoe pointedly expressed.

"I don't want you going to school high, Connor," Cynthia spoke worriedly.

"Perfect, so then I won't go. Thanks, Mom!" Connor grabbed the last piece of toast before slipping out the back door. "Another masterful attempt ends with disaster," Cynthia bemoaned. "Interstate's already jammed," Larry complained. "Pour another cup of coffee and watch it all crash and burn," Cynthia exclaimed in a bitter proclamation. "Connor finished the milk!" Zoe slammed down the empty container before huffing away.

 

_It's a puzzle, it's a maze_

_I tried to steer through it a million ways_

_But each day's another wrong turn_

 

"I better head out," Larry spoke without looking at any of them. Zoe shrugged, "if Connor's not ready, I'm leaving without him." Cynthia sighed, and hummed a tune she must have heard on the morning radio.

 

_Does anybody have a map?_

_Anybody maybe happen to know how the hell to do this?_

_I don't know if you can tell_

_But this is me just pretending to know_

 

 

Alana and Jared, the only people he could really call friends. Well, friends was strong word. They were acquaintances who ended up in each other's general vicinity often. Jared with his gay comments just keeping down Evan's own homosexual feelings. They wouldn't even sign his cast. The cast that glared at him with pure bright whiteness like a suburban neighborhood in the south. It was just like any other day until Connor showed up. "School-shooter chic," was what Jared had said, prompting the outburst from Connor, the man of legends. At least, as legendary as one could be in a public school prison. Evan laughed to himself, if they were really in prison, the food would be better. "Are you laughing at me?" Connor glared at him. Evan shrank back, trying to channel the invisibility of a mosquito on a good day. "You think I'm a freak too don't you? Ha yeah laugh at Connor all you want if it makes you feel like the bigger person. I'm not the freak, you are. Get out of my _way_ Evan Hansen." Connor pushed him in a way that should have been forceful, only his arms buckled and his face contorted in a quick pain. Evan ended up tripping at even the light shove, ending up on the floor in front of Connor, who had a ghostly look in his eyes and was pulling at his jacket. He left in a blink, really ghost like. "That would make a good story," Evan thought, "he was dead all along, or maybe after today he vanishes and it's up to the awkward kid he shoved once in the hall to keep his memory alive. No wait, that's actually super dumb." "Hey Evan! You ever getting up, or did your gay little heart just bust a nut and now you have to stay like that or we all see you totally creamed your pants for the Bad Boy Type," Jared's antics were getting wild. "You're projecting again," Evan reminded him. Jared sighed in exaggerated longing, "you're right, I have a huge heart-boner for Tall, Dark, and Felonious." Evan shoved him lightly, the other laughing away into the busy halls.

 

_I've learned to slam on the brake_

_Before I even turn the key_

_Before I make the mistake_

_Before I lead with the worst of me_

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?

I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different.

I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?

Sincerely,

Your most best, and dearest friend,

Me

 

_On the outside, always looking in_

_Will I ever be more than I've always been?_

_'Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass_

_I'm waving through a window_

_I try to speak, but nobody can hear_

_So I wait around for an answer to appear_

_While I'm watch, watch, watching people pass_

_I'm waving through a window, oh_

_Can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me?_

 

He hit print with an angry click, falling away into his own thoughts of Zoe, probably the one person who wasn't male that Evan Hansen was attracted to. If he could just get up the effort to even talk to her, he could put that portion of his pain behind him. He didn't notice the dark figure towering over him until he was being tapped on the shoulder. He yelped in surprise, realizing who had snuck up on him; Connor Murphy. Connor Murphy who was smirking almost kindly at him, most likely laughing at his girlish yell.

 

_When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around_

_Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound?_

 

"So… what happened to your arm?" Connor asked. Evan gaped for a moment, before finally putting together a broken sentence, “I, tree- fell out of a tree?” "Really?" Evan just nodded in pitiful response. “Well that is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” Connor stated as if it was just a fact of the universe. “Y- I know.” Evan cast his glance downward, not wanting to risk looking at the intimidating man in front of him.

“No one’s signed your cast.” Connor pointed out, as if his sole purpose of existence was to tell Evan how must of a waste he is.

“No- I- I know.”

“I’ll sign it.”

Evan's head shot up in surprise. “You don’t have to," he spoke quickly, but Connor is already stepping closer.

“You have a sharpie?”

Evan fished out the useless marker and watched as Connor wrote his name in giant letters right on the front. It was a claiming gesture, that much was not lost on Evan. Why though, was the question. Was Connor just painting a giant target on him? "Thanks," Evan said shortly, carefully.

"Yeah well, now we can both pretend we have friends," Connor said darkly. Evan cast his glance back down, catching a glimpse of a paper in Connor's hand that was about to be stained red by a threatening drop of blood. _Blood_?

 

_When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around_

_Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound?_

 

"Oh this is your-" Connor cut off his words and made a strangled sound as he realized he was visibly bleeding. He tossed the paper at Evan and used his jacket to hide the bloody evidence, but not before Evan had reached to grab his arm. Evan made no move to lift the sleeve, and that made Connor feel worse. Evan knew without looking.

The spell that had taken hold of Evan, the one that told him to _reach out_ , lost it's hold as he dropped the arm and backed away. Connor was determined to pretend the moment didn't happen, "what's that thing anyway? It's got your name on it, dear Evan Hansen. Who writes a letter to himself?" Connor snatched the letter back, curiosity and underlying anger being his driving force. He read the note as Evan stumbled to find any words to explain what Connor was reading, "I, it's an assignment for therapy. I know, I'm a freak. It-" "all my hope is pinned on Zoe?" Connor folded the note and shoved it into his pocket, anger out in full force, "this is some joke to you right? You wanted me to find this. I'm the only one else in here and closer to the printer. You _knew_." Connor made like he was going to shove Evan again, but at the last second, took a fistful of his shirt instead. "Is it funny? Are you having a good laugh, or did I ruin it by almost bleeding on your letter," Connor spat. Evan was backed up against the wall and actively trying to become part of it. "You really _are_ a freak."

 

Connor tried getting away, getting the last word before the tears he felt threatened to make themselves known, but Evan grabbed his sleeve. Connor hadn't zipped his jacket in his rush to get out of the house, so as he pulled away, his sleeve came down.

"I'm so, I'm so sorry," Evan stuttered out, but he didn't let go. "Let go of me _freak_ ," Connor said with in a more urgent tone. "I didn't break my arm falling out of a tree. Well, I did, but I let go. I let go in a forty foot tree. I laid on the ground willing myself to die, then just willing someone to find me. No one did." Evan said quickly, letting go of Connor 's sleeve when he was sure the guy wouldn't run away. They stared at each other in silence for a moment, until Connor finally broke the silence, "I was wrong, _that's_ the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard." The hate and resentment that was held earlier had vanished in those few words.

 

_It's like I never made a sound_

 

"Come home with me?" Evan blurted out, "I'm not propositioning you," he added quickly, "My mom's a nurse aid and we have a lot of extra supplies, plus she's never home. I can clean it up real quick?" Connor nodded slowly, "Don't tell anyone about this." It was Evans turn to nod, though much more awkwardly, "mutually assured destruction." Connor gave an alarmed look at that prospect before Evan explained, "I don't tell your story because if I do, you'll tell mine and vice versa. We're both safe unless we have a- well, more of a death wish. That really ruined the analogy didn't it?" Evan sighed in defeat, surprised to look up and see an almost laughing smile on Connor, "Lead the way, Evan Hansen."

 

 

 

"Ouch!" Connor complained. "Shut it you wuss, you'll get infected if I don't do this," Evan reprimanded. The peroxide burned, but it was necessary. "I have done just fine without it before," Connor huffed indignantly. Evan glanced at his scars to make a timeline. The oldest ones looked incredibly old, but there was a gap in time between finer older scars and puffier, red newer ones. "You're extremely lucky then," was all Evan said. "Ouch! You bitch!" Connor cursed. "Yes, you. You're the bitch Connor Murphy." Evan quipped. He finally finished disinfecting the wounds, four fresh ones and a few irritated older ones that were certainly going to infected if he hadn't treated them. He then wrapped Connor's arms in white bandage, which reminded him of his own cast and the scars it hid. "Bandages are really in this season," Connor mused. "We'll be starting a new trend." Evan answered, on autopilot as he wrapped. Connor's jacket was in the wash for the first time in what must have been a decade, so there was no hiding the bandages yet. Truthfully, Connor felt more exposed wearing the bandages than without them. He made to take them off, only for Evan to take his hands away from the corners of the bandages. "You want food? I have some leftover cash. We could buy a pizza, but you'll have to answer the delivery guy, sorry." Evan offered. Connor raised his eyebrow, earning an embarrassed flush from the blonde boy, "I don't do well with people, I'm sorry." Evan had whispered the sentence in shame. Knowing how this conversation would go. "But you seem fine with me! Don't be a bitch. I was right, you are a freak." Evan's mind played every scenario as he felt his breathing pick up as he was at a loss to stop it. Was the room spinning or was it just the peroxide? "Hey Evan it's fine, we can order pizza, I'll pay the delivery guy. Breathe for me." Connor placed his arms on either side of Evan, bending down so they were both eye to eye. "Breathe slowly, focus on my voice, you're fine." It took a minute of surprisingly gentle coaxing from the rough looking boy, but finally Evan regained control. "I'm sorry..." he immediately apologized. "It's fine, you apologize a lot." Connor teased lightly, but it still gave Evan another shot of anxiety. "I'm sorry!" Connor stood back up, moving to leave the cramped bathroom, "it's okay, Evan." For some reason, that final assurance did it. Evan calmed, following Connor to the kitchen table. "Lets order on my phone, we can pay from the app then how about that?" Connor brought up the app for the nearest pizza delivery. "You'd be paying with your own money then, I can't let you do that!" Evan protested. "Trust me, it's probably the best use of my parent's money since they got me my phone," Connor assured. Evan sighed, shrugging his defeat. Connor _did_ have money to blow, and this way the other man didn't feel indebted to him or something for dressing his wounds.

 

Evan's mom came home before the pizza came. Both boys freaked the fuck out, Connor rushing to put on his jacket as Evan pushed him into the closet. Connor snorted at the irony as Evan gave him a look, guessing his train of thought. "Evan! You're supposed to be at school!" Heidi immediately reprimanded. "I, uh, wasn't feeling well." He gave a pitiful attempt at a sickly cough. Heidi got a disbelieving look on her face and gestured to Connor's backpack, which Evan had forgotten to hide, "and your friend too?" "Hi Mrs. Hansen!" Connor spoke from the closet, stepping out as Evan stepped out of the way. He posture and demeanor had completely changed to someone who would have hightailed the other way if he had anything to do with the real Connor Murphy. A wide eye-to-eye smile was plastered on his face as he just oozed family friendly charm all wrapped up in a dark, brooding outfit. Heidi returned the smile equally, "nice to meet you! Now Evan, as much as I love you having a friend over, I would hope it would be after school hours!" Heidi looked about ready to start a Mom Talk, before Connor spoke up, "Sorry ma'am, it's my fault. My cat scratched me pretty bad this morning and Evan was just trying to help out. The school nurse is dreadfully ineffective at everything, considering the closest thing to a human body we have in that office is a plastic skeletal system." Heidi looked between the two of them, registering Connor's sincerity and Evan's remorse, "okay, I believe you too rascals. I'll make you up a sick note Evan, you can give it in tomorrow. I guess for now, you guys can stay here. I have to head back out, I only came for my wallet. We will talk later, Evan." Heidi warned, disappearing back out the door. As soon as she was gone, Connor visibly shrunk back to his normal demeanor. "Thanks for saving my ass," Evan breathed, collapsing into the sofa as the danger had passed. "No problem," Connor fell in next to him, though visibly less relieved. "I'm sorry," Evan spoke up quickly once again, "but are you okay?" Connor just stared blankly at him, "no." "Okay," Evan responded, turning his attention to the TV set which was undoubtedly off. Together they stared, lost in their own minds. They stayed like that until the doorbell rang, in which Connor rose to get the door. There was polite and quick chatter as the smell of warm aromatic pizza filled the air, pulling Evan out of his mind and into the present. They dug in comfortably, eating in silence. It filled Evan with a nagging feeling of unease that he desperately tried to fight. He almost didn't even hear Connor clear his throat and pick up where they left off, "I got pretty good at hiding my emotions and acting in general. I mean, I guess even now I'm still doing it to some degree. I just don't like doing it, it drains me. It reminds me of what I don't have." Evan nodded, quickly swallowing the rest of his pizza so he could respond, proud he didn't choke, "I don't do well hiding my emotions, but I think I understand. You know, you don't have to act around me." Connor nodded reluctantly, shrugging off his jacket once again as the room was getting hot. He was visibly uncomfortable though, that much was apparent.

Connor _wanted_ a friend. He wanted to put himself out there, but he couldn't do that in a way that wasn't tragically manic. Instead, he huddled in on himself and carefully showed Evan parts of himself he wouldn't show anyone else. His long hair had fallen over his troubled blue eyes as he allowed his new bandages to be on display. He allowed himself to be uncomfortable, hating every second of it, but allowing the scariness of the situation to be prevalent. He didn't know if Evan could really understand, but considering he would probably be dead by the next morning, he might as well try this new thing.

"What do you think would happen if you had died?" Connor asked Evan. It was an abrupt and awkward question, but Evan answered all the same. "I think that no one would have found me. I think I would have stayed there until a kid wandered off trail and found my stale corpse," Evan spoke bluntly, surprised at his comfort level with the enigmatic Connor Murphy. "If I died, I always wondered who would pretend to care," Connor looked deep in thought, "I wonder if I would get one of those fancy memorial programs. My parents would certainly have enough money for it, but they wouldn't care enough to do such a time consuming thing for such a waste of space." "You're not a waste of space," Evan was pained to think of Connor thinking of himself the way Evan had always thought of his own self. "I'm a bipolar pothead with a reputation of angry outbursts and my family is tearing itself apart from the inside all because I'm useless and selfish. I end up hurting my sister in my rages and lash out without provocation. I know it's only a matter of time before I hurt you too and then I'll be alone again." Connor recited these things like the commandments to his life. Evan felt the urge to reach out to him, and then he was. "What are you doing Evan?" Connor's voice rose with a hint of fear. "Hugging, this a hug Connor," Evan said matter-of-factly, arms shyly around Connor in about as comforting as Evan could do in their odd position. "Oh, okay." The other boy snaked his arms cautiously around Evan's waist, moving so their legs weren't such an obstruction. This only caused Evan to lose his fragile balance, basically falling onto Connor's lap. "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'll move," Evan apologized, anxiety taking off. He tried to move away, but one of his legs were caught in between Connor's own. Trying to get away only caused himself to brush against Connor's crotch, accidentally grinding his leg against it with a movement that definitely would have felt purposeful. Connor abandoned care to throw the boy off of himself, getting up in record time.

 _Faggot_.

Connor's dad's voice spoke in his mind. His mind filled with poisonous thoughts, what Evan would look like shirtless, what if he did that again, what if Connor was allowed to kiss him. Self hatred and destructive thoughts drowned out any kindness in his wicked mind. "You're just trying to get into my pants," Connor's voice broke painfully.

Evan tried to deny it, but his voice wouldn't work. Tears flowed freely as he froze like a deer in the headlights. He shook his head violently and curled in on himself. His whole body was shaking and he was losing it, losing it as he slipped away in a stuttering mess that just became a bundle of distressed, sad sounds crying rather silently in a full blown panic attack. If he moved, it felt like the world would end. Why now? Why did this have to happen now? Any movement would drive Connor away, he knew it. He had lost the one good thing he was so close to having; a friend. He closed his eyes and tried to take up as little space as possible as his mind tainted him. If he opened them, Connor would be gone. Oh god Evan just wanted to die.

It was a while that he was trapped in his own circle of doubt and regret before he registered that someone was rubbing his back. He flinched away from the contact, scrambling away. When he turned, he was shocked to see Connor had not left, and whose dark expression was no longer accusatory and disappointed. The melancholy was palatable, and Evan's immediate response to it was another litany of apologies. "My dad kicked me out of the house when word got home I had been kissing another guy in the parking lot at school," Connor supplied in the only way he knew to apologize. He draped his jacket over Evan, who had quieted as soon as he had started speaking, before sitting back down, "I remember his anger, his misunderstanding. He called me so many names, and the worst part was, he didn't even seem to know how harmful a lot of them were. I don't, I've never told anyone about that. My brain just fills with these evil thoughts if I do as much as look another guy in the eyes." Evan couldn't respond, still trapped within his own mind, but burying his head in Connor's jacket reminded him to breathe. The boy in question just smiled encouragingly as Evan tried to control his breathes. His nervous ticks were on full display, twisting the fabric of the jacket and grinding histeeth, slouching with his eyes cast down focused on nothing. "I'm gay too- bi actually- technically, but I wasn't trying to get in your pants. I'm just really bad at everything, apparently even comfort." Evan mumbled into the jacket, skillfully leaving out the fact that Zoe is the only girl he's ever liked, which was probably not enough to make him a real bisexual. Anxious tears threatened to spill once again as Evan was confronted with his failings, but he was shocked out of it by Connor's arms back around him. "This is a real hug, take note Hansen." He mumbled.

It took almost the entire rest of the school day for Evan to calm his racing heart. He spewed out apologies at every chance as Connor just rested his head on Evan's shoulder, complaining about the bony shoulder in typical Murphy fashion while refusing to move. It was no surprise when, by the time Heidi had come back home, the boys were asleep on the couch. Connor's hair tickled Evan's neck as the other boy snores lightly. She laid a blanket over both of them and set out an alarm just in case she wasn't there to wake them up in the morning. The pizza box lay abandoned on the coffee table, cold by now. Heidi took two pieces back to her room before getting ready for bed.

 

Connor woke around 4am, fear coursing through his veins as he felt his jacket move with perceived breath underneath him. It took him a minute, but he groggily remembered falling asleep while using Evan as a pillow. After such a panic, he knew he wouldn't be getting robbed again, already having got more sleep than he had in months, maybe even years. Instead, he moved gently to focus on Evan's sleeping form. The man lost his nervous energy in his sleep, looking very content to curl up as he was. Most of the jacket was being cuddled with, barely any of it separating the two of them. Slowly, he sat up, replacing the blanket on Evan's snoring form. The warm blanket had made both of them rather stuffy, and Connor was happy to have the cool night air on his skin again. He stretched with catlike grace, shirt hitching up as the last bit of sleep left his bones. He popped his back and neck, shaking off the pains from the awkward sleeping position in favour of grabbing a piece of pizza that was still sitting out.

Sadly, the movement brought his bandages into view, reminding him that everything was not all fine in this quiet sanctuary. Nothing was fine when faced with his venomous presence. He remembered his reaction when Evan had grazed his dick by clumsy accident, cringing at his own foolish behavior. He knew he could only hurt. If he was dead, he would no longer pollute the earth with his foul company. He pushed his hair out of his eyes, focusing on the dark, washed out room he had fallen asleep in. It was quaint, showing signs of wear and tear in a loving nature. He got up quietly to glance at the pictures he hadn't seen before. Baby images of young Evan Hansen in the hands of a capable father, his mother crouching with a huge grin as the little tyke ran toward her. Elementary images of Evan sitting with Jared, both sticking their tongues out at the camera. A few had that super smart but kind of judgmental black girl, Alana, acting as a mother hen to Jared's shenanigans. The older they got, the less Evan seemed to be in the trio. His smile grew forced and his eyes looked weary. Connor could recognize that look in his own photos.

He was about to turn away, when a glint of light reflecting off one of the frames caught his eye. It was the photo from an old zoo trip with their middle school class. It was one of the few that Connor had been allowed to go to. In fact, there he was, his child form leaning close to the parrots trying to discreetly teach them curse words while his chaperone had gone off for a moment. A smile tugged at the corners of Connor's solemn resting bitch face. He hadn't realized how close his life had been tied to Evan's until he remembered watching one of the pictures be taken. It prompted small memories of brushing against the other boy's shoulder after exams. Barreling past him in the halls or stealing a pencil from his backpack because Connor couldn't keep track of his for shit. He caught his smile in the reflection of glass, and for once it felt almost natural.

 

"Evan you nasty little boy, I didn't know you had it in you!" Jared spoke in wonder, doing a once-over of the man. "You totally fucked him didn't you!" Evan gave Jared a hearty kick in the shins, which was not the right response because it only prompted the evil grin Jared wore to widen in delighted surprise. "I didn't, Jared stop it, I didn't fuck him," Evan tried to quiet his rowdy family friend before he spread that rumor faster than the speed of light. "You both walked in together, stumbling around like a pair of idiots, wearing the same clothes as yesterday minus the fact that I know for certain he's wearing the NES t-shirt I gave you last Christmas under that jacket. I also know for a fact that both of you conveniently disappeared before the first bell and weren't in any of your classes. You totally fucked him!" Evan grew beet red, realizing that was indeed what it would look like to the observant idiot. "He just came over for a bit after we talked in the computer lab. He ended up sleeping over _on the couch_. We missed the bus and had to run here, hence our entrance." "Considering I know you'd probably throw up at the thought of any intimacy, I'm inclined to believe you, but that doesn't explain why he's wearing your shirt!" Jared pantomimed a sex act with his hands as Evan rolled his eyes. "His shirt got pizza grease on it," Evan was not about the let Jared know the panic in Connor's eyes when he realized his shirt had gotten bloody while Evan had applied his fresh bandages over the delicate, angry scars. "I heard he was absolutely shredded from beating the drugs out of kids! I heard they just give him all the heroin they have because he killed their boss for short changing him once." Jared exclaimed excitedly. "I didn't look, also really now? You believe that?" Evan looked at him incredulously, finally pleased when Jared realized he wasn't gunna get any juicy details and left him to his own devices. Truth was, he did get a look. Connor had a skinny torso with faint, but clear muscle mass beneath pale skin wrought with smaller cuts white and thin with old age. He was nowhere near shredded though. He almost didn't register a shorter, angrier Murphy come up to him until she had slammed his locker shut. "Why was my asshole brother at your house yesterday? Did he break in? You don't have to be nice to him, you know." Zoe ambushed him. Evan jumped in surprise, knocking his fist painfully on the grated portion of the bottom lockers. His injured yelp alerted Connor to his distress, the other Murphy moving to his rescue. "Shove off sis, you've never been interested in my affairs before now, why start?" "Because you're bringing an innocent into your fucked up antics, also mother was sure you were jumped and dying in an alleyway somewhere last night and was worried enough to wait up all night for you. One text, asshat. That's all you needed," her biting words were full of hurt, which only spurred Connor toward the callous defensive. "Is it really that unbelievable that I would be at a _friends_?" " _Yes_ , Connor. It is!" With that, she spun away and stomped off furiously. "There goes your only hope," Connor said bitterly, leaning against the locker from behind Evan. He was close enough that Evan was able to smell him. He smelled of Evan's Old Spice and something else he couldn't quite place. "You used mom's shampoo!" Evan deduced, turning around in time to see the angry blush Connor wore. "Sorry I can't wash my hair with biological warfare in a bottle." He growled. "It's fine, to be honest I don't like the Old Spice stuff either. It was on sale though, so I'm stuck with it for a bit," Evan explained. "I guess I know what to get you for Christmas," Connor joked. Evan blinked in empty response. Would they be friends in December? Is this Connor's way of saying they were really friends now? "Are you okay? Did I say something wrong?" Connor asked in a hushed and concerned voice. "No, you're fine, I can't remember the last time I've gotten a Christmas present from anyone who wasn't my mom, Jared, and occasionally Alana." Evan thought back to all the times he sat up waiting for Santa when he was younger, if only to ask the jolly man to put his family back together. Of course, it was always his mom that found him, beckoning him back to her room to open just one of his gifts as the clock had struck 12. It had become one of their few traditions. "Earth to Evan, where's you go?" Connor asked. "Christmas..." Evan replied truthfully, waving a goodbye as the bell cut through the busy halls. Connor watched him leave, "I think I broke him."

 

They met back up after school, getting on the bus together, Connor dragging him to the hooligan section he had taken over. Connor was on the left seat and Evan was on the right. People glanced awkwardly at Evan, probably wondering what a loser like him was doing in the cool kids section next to Connor. He ignored them pointedly, of only to quell the creeping fear that demanded to be felt. They both got off at Evan's stop, the boy tossing the other a confused look. Connor shrugged, "you're closer to the mall." "You can come in?" Evan told him, gesturing to his house. The other visibly relaxed. They both dropped their bags in Evan's room this time, deciding to go one on one in only the most prestigious multiplayer video game on the market: Mario Kart.

Honestly, it was a great release for Connor after having arguable one of the worst days. His teachers knew his reputation and treated him like the trash he was, while students whispered about what could be going on with him and Evan Hansen. He heard the gay lovers theory too many times that day and really would have taken the head off the next person who said any LGBT buzzword in his general direction. All of that worry dissipated after a few rounds of the game, in which Evan destroyed him in almost every round. "Think our friendship can handle Rainbow Road?" Evan's curser made donuts around the course tab. Connor felt a kind warmth full his chest; _friendship_. "Yeah, bring it Hansen!"

Evan won, but it was okay because Connor just had fun completing the course backwards while singing Lady Gaga at the top of his lungs because really when you're on Rainbow Road, you spend most of the time on the edge of glory, if only to distract Evan enough so that he would be knocked from first place by the Rosalina AI. "It's the little victories," Connor reminded him. "You know, you're right," Evan said thoughtfully. Both boys smiled at each other, gently and quietly.

It became a regular occurrence, playing Mario at least twice a week. Sometimes Connor came over with a bloodstained jacket and an empty gaze, other times he would give a wild smile and throw said jacket at Evan's face to distract him close to the finish line. Eventually, Connor got his wins in. It was about time too.

**Author's Note:**

> This is really to tide me over until I finish enough of my RT/AH Gods!fic. I really wanted to let people know I was still writing, considering I said I would be over the break. I am, but this is not it lol. This from a while ago, but if you want more, I'll try not to disappoint. I have another Evan Hansen thing somewhere, leave a comment on that one if you find it lol.
> 
>  
> 
> comments and kudos keep me pretending that Connor really does live  
> find me on tumblr @ [lockewoodandco](http://www.lockewoodandco.tumblr.com)  
> twit @ [ jaceisblue](http://twitter.com/jaceisblue)


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